Tormenting feelings of push and pull going on lately. M has started walking… pretty well these days. It started with just 5-6 steps at times not too long ago, and now she really is trying to master the move. She’s got this great little pirate hobble I call it. She’s even testing the stop, balance, turn and walk the other way moves! It’s incredible. I’ve noticed with this an immense sense of pride and joy for her of course, but torn sadness in myself. Feeling the winds of change and the realization that this will be the last time we experience this in our home. Seeing that a new phase in life is about to embark on us all, but more pressing myself. I have grown quite accustomed to this role as mama to little ones. Pregnant and nursing for 10 years now. Yes, it is true, she just 10 months and we have quite a few years before we have “older” kids. But in those few years, our oldest will be entering his pre- and eventually teen years, and oh…. oh my. I have never been one to really think twice about a birthday. I’ve never taken heed to the number assigned to my age. And really, I don’t think I really see this as an “I’m getting old now” type of thing! I think what’s really hitting me now is that my role as mom is about to shift faster than I might be willing to digest. If I could just slow down that clock of time a bit and have more time to digest this transformation. Although, let’s be realistic. Would that help me ease into this, or would it just make it more painful? What makes me so afraid of not having “babies” in the house? Ugh, I wish I could answer that. Part of me realizes the cold hard truth, that there is still lots of time to enjoy!!! But in the very same breath, it’s hard to envision what I will do when I grow up! ; ) Yipers. Is that it? Yes, maybe it is. Just maybe….
At any rate. It’s funny how such a simple and joyous moment has me on this tail-spin of emotions. I never really took myself to be such an emotionally attached ninny of sorts. But this feels like a big moment in life. Sometimes a very lonely one. I see other women around me with older kids, or even with kids not much older than mine who seem elated and ecstatic about the changes and evolvement in their own personal lives. Not batting an eye at the shift. Many seem so at ease with this transition in their lives, and I question why I might seem to feel quite hindered. And, as I feel surges of these emotions, I question why women don’t talk about these changes and seem so eased at going through the motions without acknowledging what they might be feeling… or want/need to feel?
Ah, at any rate. It is already August. Summer has been quite (quite) hot. (Ha, the ComEd bill came today and I nearly choked and keeled over!) But yes, there is all this chatter about the fall. It’s so hard for me to take in that fall is really approaching and in just 5-7 weeks all these classes and new activities will be starting up again. I have been attempting to work out some sort of schedule with the kids, when all I really want to do is live in denial. Not only do I not want to pile on a load of activities/classes, but I really don’t want summer weather to be over. Most of my life I’ve experienced winter here, and there isn’t a year that goes by that I have grown any bit closer to enjoying it. Not a winter fan. Not one bit. In fact, it is in the winter that I threaten SBJ that he move us to a warmer state or I’m leaving him ; ) Joking of course. But, yep. I much prefer this hot-hot to winter any time. And knowing that it’s looming is tough.
With babysitting this school year, we are looking at accommodating lots of different needs. But I think we’re headed in the right direction. I hope that we have somewhat balanced the schedule where everyone gets at least things they’d really love and enjoy, and then also find some family time to do what we never seem to have time to do. We still have rough edges there, but amidst the fall planning we are also planning that road trip to CA! Looks like we are finally making out to Pasadena to celebrate Christmas with my brother and SIL…. and growing new baby! Yes! AJ is due in February, so I have the amazing privilege of painting a beautiful henna belly while we’re out there. SO looking forward to that. Hopefully that breaks up the winter blues, with also our annual trip to OH for our Unschoolers Waterpark Retreat. It will be a great year to get some traveling in and making plans for a move at some point!
In the meantime, still trudging through my readings for my certification. SBJ is giving me 1 day a week to sneak away for about 3-4 hours to read. And mom has offered to help once in awhile too. She’s going to have the kids 2 days this week for about 2 hours each. I hope M is going to be OK with that! She’s only stayed away from me when she’s been with daddy and does really great with him. But she’s not been with anyone else, so I hope this all goes smoothly. I am sure the first time will be more of a warm-up. I look forward to getting more of this reading under my belt so that I can get moving on my certification. It tends to feel very anti-climatic when things slow down so much. This was one fear I had in the first place paying that huge registration and certification fee! So I need to jump this massive hurdle and get to that finish line!
I’ve been quite done-in at night too. D and I have started exercising together. Seeing as I am quite out of shape, initiating this together has been really fun and helpful for me! I do about a 20 minute run 3-4 times a week. She rides her scooter along with me. Then we do some stretching and exercising in the park, and then I speed walk home. I hope to increase, but this is about what I can do now and feel the pain afterwards. I figure whenever that starts to feel “easier” I would add more distance to that run. But it’s been a great time for us to hang out together. I have really really enjoyed it so far.
Wow, that’s a jumpy post tonight. Shows where my mind is at! Certainly time to hit the hay.