It’s been a long agonizing decision on what to do. I really did not anticipate being with CCAP beyond having M. I felt that having 4 little ones around was going to make my LCC position increasingly more difficult, and over the course of this past year it proved increasingly so. Do to many changes and circumstances, and due to the sheere fact that I was not feeling like I was getting very far on my BW certification…. I finally came to the last straw this past week. I was called by a family with issues with their au pair, and as much as I love the helping aspect of this job, I just have not had it in me lately. It dawned on me that I really need to weigh what was going in, and what I was receiving. What I had time for, and what I don’t. And came to the conclusion that this a time for me to step away for a little bit. Concentrate on my certification, start teaching, let the kids grow a bit (to the point that picking up the telephone does not create havoc in my household : ) and then I’d be able to come back to CCAP. So had a lovely chat with my director today and she was so super supportive, understood that I needed the time, and we came to an amicable date of Feb. 15th. I so want to help them while they look for a replacement, and did not feel this was an emergency of any sort that I needed to jump ship immediately or anything. I just needed to put a closure on this for now, to explore more.
Ironically I did feel relieved to have had the discussion, yet quite mournful as I have had this job longer than any other in my life (8 years). Other than my marriage, it is the longest I have stuck with anything ; ) It does, in part, feel like a marital separation and I do feel quite weird about the whole thing. But hopefully to keep the focus on what I really did this for will help through the odd feelings I did not necessarily anticipate. I did assume I would have this immediate sense of relief, joy and elation…. but…. just not so much the case at this point. And in the very same breath…. excited and nervous.
Lots of possibilities lie ahead!