Yep… my head is literally swimming this evening. Sitting here contemplating what to blog about and have a million thoughts going through my head. Prepared for a little dip??
I just sat through part of the tv show The Apprentice. I really have no idea what to say to that but, “what??? REALLY??” I had watched the first season or two way-back-when this show first aired and really liked it. And as mentioned… I have had a long tv hiatus and thought I’d give this show a go this season. Yipes is all I have to say about it to now. I have a really hard time that a man like Donald Trump has invited these people to be “interviewed” for a position in/with him! I mean, the drama, screaming and crying that goes on makes me wonder if these people are even out of high school yet! It’s ridiculous.
Of course, that topic is deferring from the utter confusion I feel in my head and heart about the episodes of today. Our intention was to head out to get a bunch of mama-errands done, grab some lunch and then head to game club. It woulda been a really great day. Lot’s accomplished and yet, fun had by all. Peoples were up way-too early and the day started off rough. Much sibling squabbling and what I consider, disrespect towards me. (Simple stuff like, “hey can you help me clean up the floor before we leave?” and all that materializes is a tantrum and fit on the floor over my need for assistance…. just too much for me. Or how about telling them I need to run a few errands before game club and the response is, “Oh COME ON, I’m going to be SOOOOOOO bored!!!” Frankly, I’d expect more of the older-ish kids…. maybe I’m expecting too much!??!) Any rate, SBJ walks in and I woke totally happy and turned totally sour in just the hour and a half. We were ready to leave quite early today due to the early rise, and yet, I was not looking forward to any of it with the direction we were headed. So, yep, SBJ walked in from work and I head to the door with S and M and tell the other 2 they are staying home. They were in complete fits over it, but for my own real sanity in that very moment…. they needed to stay home. I walked out with M and S and we headed to get tons of stuffs done…. emissions testing, gas, library, post office, birth certificates : ), and then took them out to lunch at Subway. It was such an incredibly blissful morning. S was excited at each place we went and totally helped out with each of the tasks. He is in the 101 questions stage and asked about everything everywhere and it was just plain enjoyable.
Upon return home, we had this long discussion about why they did not go. D totally got it, and felt it. And felt bad about how sad I was feeling about it. She made little love notes for me and kissed me tons all afternoon and told me she loved me. She’s a sweety and really cares a ton about mommy. K totally loves mommy too….. I don’t ever doubt that…. but his empathy, totally missing. He did not hear a single thing said in the discussion and instead spent the afternoon telling me how unfair I was to do what “I wanted to do” and he got to do nothing. And that I was so mean, and didn’t love him. I eventually shut down b/c I felt like I could of run into a wall and had better luck. And when I did (shut down) he melted to tears telling me I did not love him. It was a total loss and a loose-loose situation.
Still trying to figure out if I handled that right. I can’t help but feel this immense guilt over it all. I even called SBJ when I stormed out of the house and told him I would take them to game club if they did not fight with him all morning. But he was my firm supporter and told me to stick to my guns and let them spend the day at home. He encouraged me to follow through and let things be. So… I ran with that. But not without guilt. But…. guilty about what? Ugh…. I had to do what I did or I mighta just lost it completely! A mama’s time out if you will…. But yea… the guilt remains. And K just not getting that I had overwhelming feelings today too.
M is changing SO much it’s so much fun. She’s approaching her 1-month mark already and I just can’t get over that! She is alert more often during the day, sleeping amazingly at night. She’s a gem when we drive, has grown 10-fold… literally. A super-friend of ours gave us a very generous Target gift card and so we went over and got her some clothes to keep her warm! : ) I only bought 2 outfits that were 3mos old size and she is already growing out of them! She’s worn them, what?… 2 times maybe?! She is mostly in the 6 mos old size…. and again needing more clothes : ) And again, I’m needing to clean out her drawers!
She smiles a ton, and always when she hears mama’s voice. It’s the sweetest thing ever. She could even be asleep and I say something and she grins. Most babies come out of mama’s belly with folded feet (ok… well at least mine did b/c maybe they were so stinkin’ big and had not space in there!! : ) But not baby M! I joke that she knew exactly what kinda chaos she was being born into b/c she came out with her ears folded! Her legs/feet flopped out straight! Her ears…. they are just now unfolding. Hilarious. She has the typical J baby acne that all of them seemed to have. I thought she might escape it, but this week she got hers. Fortunately, she seems to not be bothered by it much and it’s starting to go a bit more each day. Hopefully won’t last long.
She still has her hiccups daily. She lets out this funny little whimper when they start, as if to say, “ehhh…. help! they’re back!” She is a huge dreamer. Can see lots of different emotions in her sleep times. And… well…. she’s just plain cool. We are a lucky bunch that she choose us! : )
I’m feeling rather disconnected from people/friends/community lately. I think in part by us being super busy. Maybe in part b/c I feel like when you have a baby people suddenly change and treat you differently. Out of respect I truly believe. They feel that you need time to adjust and things are different for us, and all of that. And so they give you more space, or try not to “pester” you… but really, ultimately… it feels so incredibly awkward to me… personally. I feel like we are the plague right now. I kinda feel very distant from people, like we were plagued with disease, and not blessed with a new baby! And that’s so hard to explain. Like…. I hear something fun was happening after the fact, and when I inquire the response is, “Oh… well we thought… because of the baby… ” yada yada. So it’s feeling kinda funny.
Not to mention another thing that happened with the mama-daughter group that was going on. I can’t recall if I ever wrote about the ‘end’ of our participation in the group. But ultimately, I was feeling super uncomfortable with the dynamic. It was feeling very forced, and somewhat unnatural, and eventually I was feeling even outed. I was feeling like lots of conversations were happening behind my back. I felt that untrue things were said on my behalf, and ultimately…. did not have time in my life for drama and feeling this horrible. So I felt it was best that D and I step back from it. But then after I made that decision for us, and feeling good about that decision, I then feel really horrible and distant from the people in the group. I feel like so much was left unresolved. I feel like they all moved on without a beat being missed, and I can’t help but wonder if that was the intent in the long run. The logic tells me that would/should never happen in that way. But the heart is feeling much differently. I don’t want to dwell on it either. But that too, has added to my feeling of distant from those I was otherwise. The community is so diverse, I think it’s hard to feel and stay connected with so many personalities and dynamics anyway. But it would be awesome to feel connected to just a handful. To have that feeling you can reach out and call on someone and not feel over guilty or burdensome when doing so. Maybe that’s more about me and my inability to do so…. ? Hmmm…. have to think about that one.
Check out the intro to our blog. While contemplating tonight’s entry and watching the aweful tv show mentioned, I updates pix and such. Time for a change a bit, I thought!
I’m concerned about K and is constant inability to take any blame for anything, and many times not seeing beyond himself. I hate to say egocentric…. but it’s feeling much like that much of the time… around me. I see him with others, and know that he’s not. He’s a sweet, generous kiddo, and he’s so polite and respectful of all. Around me… I’m not getting that, and I don’t feel it’s retaliation of/against me, but just in the safety/home base to be able to explore all of this with me. At least I would hope that’s the case and I’m not fooling myself as well : ) It’s quite a challenge to keep my cool when I feel like I’m trying to be patient and discuss things with him and then it’s like he heard nothing at all.
We are dying to travel, and thinking that we’ll do 2 homeschool conferences next year (March and May)… but also this personal feeling of detachment to the community at present is also making me reconsider those trips. I’m feeling like that’s a lot of money to spend for conferences! We could go elsewhere and have a fabu family trip?!
Halloween fast approaching and we are not organized on the costume front. At the very least they seem to have selected their gigs for this year, and it seems we don’t need a ton o’ stuff this year. The tricky part to not buying store-costumes…. more work in getting ready for halloween! : ) But so glad that they are ‘into’ making them this year! That’s a new thing and is really most of the fun about halloween, don’tcha thing?
Tomorrow, I have really over-done-it. We are headed to Ms. Leah in the AM (NW Chicago) and then up to Northbrook for a freecycle pick up, and the back to Chicago (Lakeview) for the robot workshop. D is taking this along with K and as they get to build a ‘smart robot’ to take home for free, they (the company) will be taping them for some tv publicity they are running! Kinda fun! But, ugh… the driving will be interesting!
This weekend there is this glow in the dark juggling show that I think we will head to! Should be fun. D has soccer, which may be her last b/c the last game is on halloween at 3pm! I mean who woulda scheduled that one?! Trick o’ treating hours are so short as it is! But now the dilemma of doing the last game or not?!
Made a yummy dinner tonight! Veggie fried rice and egg drop soup. Loved by all! I’m running out of ‘favorites’ though and needing to spice things up a bit. It’s about that time to find 2-3 more dishes to add to the favorites list so that we don’t get sick of the same ol’ stuff! Still hanging in there on the veggie-deal. I don’t cook meat at home, but we have not dropped dairy. I think the hardest part would be the lack of ice cream!!! That would be hard for ALL!!!
Hmmmm…. I hear a dog in the apt next to us! Funny…. a pet-free building and there’s a dog parking in the middle of the night. I thought I heard that pup during the week this week. We were walking out and heard all of this parking. I looked up to the building to see if I could figure out where it was coming from, and it got suddenly very quiet…. like someone had just tackled and muzzled the poor thing. And now…. barking again! Hmmmm…. (the kids really really really want to get a cat!!! : )
D and K are starting new classes next week! D is doing this 4 week art class with a homeschool teen. Thought it sounded like super fun for her to have a teen to work with, AND do art two more times a week! She loves to keep busy, especially in the art department and this will be fun for her! K is doing a poetry and performance class. I’m crossing my fingers on that one b/c he has explicity told me he is not overly interested in poetry. But the woman who runs this class is super fun and colorfully described her class as lots o’ fun. Fun and games, and lot’s o’ fun! He’s up for fun and games…. he may learn a ton about poetry and realize he actually does like it (a bit : ) After all, they are taking a bunch of direction from Shel Silverstein!
Started a lil’ exercise routine this week! Only day 2, I should mention. I dug through the closet and found my 20 min yoga routine tapes, and the “Abs Of Steel” tape from maybe the 1980’s! Yep, the oldie but goodies. I even have the Billy Blanks Boot Camp tapes too. I’m not quite up to par with those just yet. I figure I can do a daily 30 min (10 of the abs thing, and then 20 of yoga) to get me started. When feeling more up to a push in the physical department we will add the billy blanks : ) I have been testing the when and how this will get done daily, and considering all of the many many (some egocentric) needs, I will be having to do this in the evenings. But that’s good. It will digest my evening meal and have me going to bed feeling quite stretched and stress relieved. The billy blanks is not something I could do in the evening. When I’m ready for that I will need some strong bribery skills to get that done during the day! ; ) Doing something like that at night would keep me up way (way) later than I should be!
Check out the full moon! It feels so much darker these past few days. Is it the cold that makes it feel so much more so? Whatever the case, the full moon is so much more profound in the sky and just love love love it!!!
Wow, that was quite a ‘dip’! I’m ready to climb out of the pool and into my soft cozy bed! No re-reads tonight, so gonna have to just deal w/ this one as-is… grammar fo-pas and all its glory!