I’m feeling the struggle lately. There are relationships in my life in which I am not at ease with their current status. The stinker part is figuring out how to recreate the relationships for myself andcreate a peace within, and overcome the sadness that they are not what *I expect them to be*. How does that happen? I sometimes think I know on the surface from book knowledge or other insights, but somehow have these hurdles not allowing me to find the balance. Both of these relationships are important to my children. It has me feeling like I need to suck it up, tolerate the pain and sadness I feel inside about the relationship, so that my children can maintain their balance and need for their positive relationships as well. Why does it need to be so complicated? Maybe it’s not but I’m making it more (complicated) than it needs to be? I try on so many levels of my life to be a simpleton, and yet sometimes complicated over rules. I wonder if “sucking it up” is even good for my kids? Is it still a positive experience for them? I know for one relationship it probably is just fine, for the other however, I wonder greatly.
In the last couple of days it seems I am faced with these emotions a lot. The need to interact with these individuals has been more prominent and therefore affecting me more than being able to just turn blinds-eye for the time being. I don’t like turning blinds-eye, but also don’t like the sadness I feel as of lately. It would be awesome to create a better balance and peace for myself and need to figure out just how that happens!
On a different note, my long-winded saga about my hospital stay with M has moved in new directions…. emotionally that is. I had been feeling quite down about that for some time, and had a sudden shift in feelings of rage and anger over the whole thing. The anger was very prominent and over took the sadness and guilt I was having. Then I had read something, in my current book I’m reading for BWI. Cathy Daub’s book, Birthing in the Spirit. Ironically, as much as I am reading about birth being instinctual and the process of empowering women, I feel I’m doing a TON of work on my own self in my life! At any rate, my journey through this book has been quite life-changing as I had experience this in real-life with Cathy in OH not too long ago. I feel fortunate to be able to revisit the experience through the reading of her book.
So, to venture back to what I was saying, my grieving emotions have shifted quite a bit, and quickly, on the whole hospital experience and currently feel I am in my state of empowerment. I have requested medical records, this week, from each of the hospitals and plan to follow through with a very thorough letter to the administration of each hospital. I feel that I can’t be one of the hundreds, maybe thousands, who this has happened to and have not said anything on their own behalf. I also feel that they don’t really get who they were dealing with the entire time I went through that experience, and that needs to be known to them : ) I do feel that maybe not much will come of it in terms of what they do on their end (I’m pretty realistic to that fact), but that I will feel better for the follow through, and feel a sense of closure to the entire experience. It’s just needs to be done.