Yes, that’s just the plain honest truth. As much as I LOVE being a mama more than anything in the world…. there are those moments where it just sucks.
Today might be one of those days…. for me.
So the older 2 had wanted to go the pool as of lately, and as much as I was trying to accommodate that, the weather did not seem to want to cooperate with that plan today, so I opted to offer to take them to the Shedd Aquarium for the day and then tomorrow when it looked like a clearer forecast, we could try the pool thing. So, they seemed thrilled with that idea, however before we even got ready to move out the door, K and D were at it again. Now, I’m not a fool to think that sibling rivalry could not possibly exist amongst any set of siblings, even mine. But what’s really really getting to me is the physical-ness of it that ultimately has someone in tears. I try to explain over and over (and over and over and over) again that I, in know way, expect that they agree on absolutely everything, BUT I 110% believe that they could disagree without beating the crap out of each other.
Being at wits end with this phenomena, I made the decision that if/when this happens we bail on our day’s activities and just chill for the day instead. I, honestly, have yet to hold-true to this “threat” until today. And even when I did so today, bailing on the Shedd adventure, I felt totally torn. I mean what does staying home accomplish in the battle of the physical? What good does it do to threaten something unrelated and follow through with it? Aside from making me feel like complete crap. What does it do for them? I can’t really think of anything it’s helping aside from seeing that mom can be a real grouch at times. So here we sat for the day.
Now, I have to say, the rest of the day was really quite pleasant amongst the 2 of them. They played together quite nicely and lots of fun laughter, but really, is that because of the “threat” in the air, or is that b/c they just needed a day at home to chill with each other? I just don’t know. And then the afternoon I plugged away at the computer, feeling quite pleased at what I was accomplishing for myself, but feeling like you-know-what b/c I was accomplishing this stuff for myself. That added to my feeling of yuck about the situation.
To top things off, S did not seem totally better from his stomach-thingy today. Yesterday was a really good day, and today I felt he was doing just fine, but SBJ kept making comments that made me feel otherwise. (Sometimes I think he just does not get that his statements, comments, feedback weigh heavily on me. Bless his heart, I know he does not mean to freak me out, but it just happens sometimes….. I’m sure being an emotional, hormonal preggo woman did not help matters today.) So…. anyway, as much as I am saying he’s doing fine, he’s just recovering from something yuck that wiped him out, I am hearing the opposite. At dinner S did not each much of anything, but keep in mind he had a cookie today, he did take in 1-2 bites of stuff throughout the day, his diapers were wet (well-hydrated), still not a single fever either, so he’s complaints of belly ache are the result of him still trying to kick it and get better. But…. SBJ made a comment about him not eating being a problem and I ultimately start to internally freak out. It was just one-to-many times hearing something like that and being as emotional as I was that I did not handle that one right. I started to really feel like a poopy mommy and called the Dr.. Dr. decides, ultimately that I could bring him to the ER to have him checked out. ER???? REALLY!?!? I mean b/c his belly hurts???
Ugh…. I called my mother and that may have just made me even worse b/c she’s been trying to convince me for the last few days that he needs and xray b/c he could be backed up all the way to his intestines. I mean come on!!! I think I’d get if he was that constipated. He’s in diapers! But, yea, she was agreeing with Dr. and that ER was a good choice. I’m packing bag and thinking, “this really seems totally ridiculous to me!!!” I make sure I have the insurance cards and pack saltines and a water bottle. S sees the saltines and decides he wants to eat those!
Sure enough…. he downs 2-3 saltines AND I made him some Emergen-C to drink which he downed with water as well. Even had some ice cream with D and K after that. I say to SBJ, “you really think this is necessary? He’s eating and drinking well… for having recovered that stomach upset.” SBJ responds with, “I never thought he should go in the first place.”
I…. break down in complete sobbing tears.
I explain to him that things he says made me feel horrible and all day I had been trying to tell him he’s doing well, and yet I felt the opposite from him, and now the Dr and my mother! (He of course apologized saying he did not mean it to sound like that…. ) I am pretty hormonal today I think.
S then asks if he could “go to the Dr.” with me, but he really just had his shoes on and wanted to go outside. I took him for a little walk around the building looking for lightening bugs and he walked the whole way, thoroughly enjoying being outdoors and the bugs. He had his ice cream when we returned and he said he was ready for bed.
The stress of trying to keep someone alive and well is just daunting at times. And to HEAR your gut speaking to you, but then to have the feeling that everyone around you is saying and feeling the complete opposite is just SO daunting. How does a mommy build up the strength to stand strong when following her gut on things like this!!! Likewise…. to be place this on top of my sibling rivalry (internal) battle on how to handle that…. yipes… I’m SO tired!
AND…. I am SO glad that tomorrow is a NEW day!!!
I’m so ready to do-over and find a better way!
(Ironically here I sit watching this freaking show called “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” on TLC… I mean, come one! Are you freakin’ serious?!?! : )