Life

It’s Friday March 8th, 7:16pm. I sit outside a Corner Bakery, in the parking lot, in my car. I walked in a few minutes ago with the intent to study. I am oh-so-close to the end of my certification that I was trying desperately to grab on to moments alone to get some more study accomplished. K and D are at a tween movie night and S, M and SBJ are home, probably getting ready to crawl into bed (oh how I wish I were there at this moment). I walked into the Corner Bakery and every table seemed occupied. I stood in line to order…. I felt paralyzed. I could not absorb the energy in the room. This was not the quiet little spot I had found the last time it was tween movie night. And certainly not the quiet spot I needed *this* particular night.

SBJ and I had come to a mutual passion that we would love to have another baby. Last fall I was pretty sure it was our time. I had tested positive. I was a bit hesitant, but excited. The pink line was faint and for whatever reason, I just really wanted a ‘dark’ /solid line. I tested just one week later and it was negative. Within a day from that point, I miscarried. From what I understand, it would not have even been confirmed a “miscarriage” by medical standards. I never went to the Dr because of the timing. If I had not tested, frankly, we would not have even known because it was not that far off from a regular cycle. I would have just presumed a few days later than usual….. but certainly a lot heavier than usual. I knew that it was a miscarriage by everything that transpired within my body, so I really don’t need a Dr telling me it “did not count.”

That was very hard on everyone. We were all very excited about the idea and then instantly had it taken away. It hit me a lot harder than I ever thought it would have. Afterall, I wasn’t pregnant for that long. It’s amazing how much a woman’s body (I suppose if she is truly in tune) can attach itself to this life so quickly. I don’t think I realized till closer to the holidays just how much it had hit me. I was feeling down and really coming to a realization, “hey woman, get her head outta your toosky!” I can’t recall what exactly made me feel that way other than I really was feeling like I was just not caring for myself enough. I was feeling low, tired, lethargic, and just needed something.

I dyed my hair! ; ) I mean how does that not change a funky mood, right? It was right before new years and I realized…. It’s time to feel better! So I just did. (Funny how that works!) But I think we all felt the lull for a while. Each within ourselves in varying degrees, probably for various reasons…. But yes, It. Was. Time.

The year was full of prospect and exciting new things for J-Kunda. We had trips planned, and a big move, and…. If blessed…….

So…. Towards the end of January into the start of February I’m fairly certain that we are already blessed. A positive pregnancy test does not come till February 22nd. We are SO elated. At this point in time my cycle is actually ‘late’ per whom-ever’s standards. I feel GREAT! I feel pregnant! I knew at that time it was still quite early and so await some time to schedule an appointment. I called early last week and was told I could not get in till this week. At this point, kicking myself for not calling earlier because we are all so eager share our wonderful news, but really wanted to ‘see’ baby via ultrasound.

My planned to have a homebirth but because of insurance figured I would do all preliminary prenatal stuff at the Dr I had been to for an annual check-up. Seemed logical to get all of that done before calling our wonderful homebirth midwife who had caught M. Waiting for this appointment, however, was sheer torcher. Finally Tuesady (March 5th) rolls around and I get to go to my first check-up. I’m so thrilled. The quicker I can get this stuff taken care of I can go do an ultrasound. After my appointment I head downstairs for some preliminary blood work, and then head off for the day. It’s a day of a big snow storm. Places are shutting down due to the piles of snow falling from the sky. But here I am, the nutty mama, trying to get stuff done because I don’t have the kids with me! ; ) I needed to get the car looked at and it seemed the only time in the week with enough time to do so sans kiddos. Fortunately, dad was able to pick me p for some time so I could hang out in warmth and watch snow fall, catch up with him, and sip on warm tea.

While at his home, my grandmother calls. She is passing. She’s very close to her end and some days they feel this might be it, and others she seems more alert and planning to stick around for a bit. But this particular time, she makes this call to dad and is persistent that there is news. I am overhearing this conversation from another room. But the persistent question over and over is “what’s the news???” I just can’t help but feel an over-whelming sense that she knows/senses/feels….. I run up the stairs and ask her, “How did you know there was news? You are right! You are going to be a great grandmother again!” Dad nearly drops to the floor! It is the last thing he is thinking he’d hear. Both elated, we all feel so warm and fuzzy that Grandma knows and blesses the new baby.

Later that day I get a call from the Dr. She states that my blood work came back and my hCG is very low…. 672. You see, in the office she calculated that I was 8 weeks along. I personally, because my cycles are longer, figured I was more like 6-7 weeks along. However, even at 672, apparently this is quite low and we needed to test again to see if I was rising or dropping. So…. Ultrasound is scheduled for this afternoon, March 8th. She mentions, “When you come in for the ultrasound, come upstairs and get another blood test order from the office and we can double check.”  I’m thinking, “ok, well I’ll humor you, but I sense everything is ok”…. But I tell her, “ok” and go on with my week. I’m feeling like I need to place her feelings and thoughts aside and concentrate on the fact that I am very healthfully pregnant!

We are all dying with anticipation when we get to the ultrasound today. Oh, I should say, I did tell the children that the Dr called and forewarned them that she felt something was wrong, but also encouraged them not to dwell on it. There was nothing we could even do about it till we did the ultrasound and blood test again. We had to be positive and excited and whatever was meant to be… I just truly felt all was perfectly ok.

We get into the office today and she attempts to do the ultrasound. She detects we might be too early to test, so she wants to try to do an internal. Through the internal, she finds the fetus, but states, “it seems you are more like 4-5 weeks along and therefore we can’t really detect anything at this point in time. We need to be 6 weeks or later. So let me call DrB and we’ll reschedule another for 2 weeks from now.”

So, though we were really bummed that we had all of this anticipation to end in…. eh??? But I was also elated because that meant that 4-5 weeks matched my hCG levels! Yippee! That was great news! I send everyone home so they don’t have to wait around for me to do the second blood test. You just never know if you are waiting 1 minute or 1 hour. So figure they’d be happier at home. I run up to get the order, and run down for the second test. I am feeling so high right now though because it’s all good. All makes sense now…..

I’m not home more than an hour when I get a call from DrB. I’m just so excited because I’m certain she is going to say, “yay! We are all good to go! hCG is rising!” Instead………………..

 

Really….. if I have to be quite frank….. the conversation is a blur. For starters…. I can’t get over how matter-of-fact medical professionals can be when it comes to miscarriage. To them, this is a diagnosis….. to a woman… a family… this is a LOSS OF LIFE! The conversation involved something about hCG dropping to the 400’s. Something about “it’s nothing you did, it’s probably just your age.” (EH??? I’m only 39!) And…. Something like, “You will likely miscarry this weekend.”

“Best of luck to you.” With a swift kick of…. “It won’t be *that* bad. And if it is…. Go to the ER.”

“Any questions?”

 

Phew.

So…. Off the phone I repeat in monotone what Dr said. SBJ is in denial. Says that its not possible. The kids (namely K and D) are kinda in shock and not sure what to make of all of this. It takes a good 5-ish minutes for it to hit me. I get through emailing my midwife to let her know of the news, but as I am emailing my dad to let him know (as he is the one of only three people I told (a dear friend and my midwife))… It begins to sink in. The tears don’t stop. The kids also follow suit. And we have a big ol’ cry fest. K is in immediate “fix it” mode….. D is in silence. I tell S that the Dr called and said that the baby is not ok and is going to die and not grow in my belly anymore and he says, “but why mommy?” I tell him I don’t really know why, but that everything was ok. I was a very lucky mommy to have him as my baby and we are all a very lucky family. M is kinda not getting it all. What she cares about is her being baby right now… and that is perfectly ok. K and D are experiencing a very tough thing for their ages. I’m sure this is something that will carry with them. We had a good cry and then I reminded them…. I am a VERY HAPPY MOMMY! I have four amazing, beautiful, smart children and if this is what is meant to be… then this is what is meant to be. I do not need to “fix” this. We do not “need” to have another person join us. We are sad about this baby and lovely spirit that would have joined us. But we are also perfect as we are. We may not understand why this is happening, but we have to trust that it is for the right reasons.

They were reluctant to go to their movie night. I encouraged them to go through. I felt like they needed to have some fun. That it was OK TO HAVE FUN! They were kids. It was a heavy burden…. This entire process, experience, life lesson. And we have more time to process and grow with this. They had my blessing to smile and have fun : )

Before we left I think SBJ realized that he might be neglecting to realize the reality of what it could be or was. We did embrace. Silently at first and then encouraging each other that we are already blessed with so much. Our lives are truly full of amazingness! We too will find the time to grieve this… together… and alone.

I walked into Corner Bakery on auto pilot this evening. I was certain that this was ‘exactly what I needed’….. to study and keep my mind elsewhere while we just wait. But as I walked into that place and felt the intensity of the restaurant….. I just turned and walked back out. I stood in the plaza, looking from one store and shop to the next wondering where to go next. All I could do was go back to my car and sit.

Here I sit. Trying to process. Needing to return to life. Longing for bed.