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Jail Bird

We seriously have not been on a road¬†trip in SOOOO long that I feel like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to. I felt this way back in January when we were trapped in the house for a couple of weeks cycling that horrible illness we all had (including strep and a round of antibiotics for all). I remember those first few days back out in the real world were so odd feeling. I could not help but feel like I was doing something wrong…. breaking free from the iron clad. Much the same feelings are encompassing me now. We had such a rough rough year, and really still not on the sturdiest of grounds right now to be taking a trip!!! It’s going to be just a blast though, and don’t regret the decision in one bit. All works out in the end, and after all, my BWI training got booked for the exact same week we are already in OH! So I am just so super excited about this whole adventure. Being with SBJ for a full week when we have grown accustomed to almost never seeing him… will just be awesome. The waterpark adventure the kids have been talking about since last year will be amazing! And my workshop process and completion is something that is so thrilling and scary at the same time! I have been doing the same thing for a long long time, and not quite used to me being one to settle at all, and yet here I have done so for quite a long time. So rebuilding the strength to take charge and get back into my personal interests and do something that will make me happy is probably the scariest thing I’ve leaped into in years (including childbirth ; )! And really… that’s probably what I’m really feeling… the anxiety of this HUGE change about to happen for me. I had just felt that in a smaller quantity this past weekend. We ventured over to the Ethical Humanist Society to check out their Sunday-doings and I have to whole-heartily admit, if not for promising to meet a friend there, I may have just bailed on the idea. I sat in the parking lot with the kids chit-chatting up a storm in my ear and kinda of paralyzed to answer them, and even more so to move out of the car! But I finally got the nerve and we went in. It was a really fun experience, and I do think we will venture into the potential of continuing on with EHS, but it is that same hesitation I feel so insanely, deep down right now. I have to keep chanting to myself, “You are worth it, Your needs do matter, Don’t worry about putting yourself first for once, This is YOUR chance to change your path!”….. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the rut of giving and giving to my family and completely neglecting me, that I have been stuck. I SOOOO insanely love putting my family ahead of me… that’s part of the problem : ) But I have realized that when I reach burn out, I’m not so happy that there’s nothing there for me too. I would love to reach burn-out with the feeling that I’ve done good things for me TOO! Cause, let’s face it, burn out always happens at some point b/c we get all excited about what’s going on and just can’t say ‘no’ to the exciting things in life. But at the very least…. when I hit that point…. I need something there for me, and maybe that’s why this just scares the living daylights out of me! Oh boy…. HERE WE GO! Hold on for a wild ride!

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