I always wonder what happens once you have a baby. It seems to me that most moms tend to put themselves on the bottom of the totem pole and not ever put their needs as a priority in their lives. I am right along with them, and suffer from extreme guilt when doing anything at all for myself. I always realize in the long-run just how good it feels to do something for myself, but the initial guilt I feel is a killer. For instance, the other evening…. I went to the thrift store and bought things only for myself. Yep, I know, complete radical. I did not purchase for any of my children, and only purchased for myself. (I still harbor guilt about this even now : ) …. And whats-more? This evening I spent much time painting my nails and toe nails and now… feel very very pretty. Yes…. took time away from washing dishes, cleaning up the house, answering emails, and doing any studying to just pretty myself. My nails sure to do look great though!
Last weekend (and more so lately) I have been trying to get out to get some studying done. I find it insanely impossible to study some times wondering if I could not just try to get this done at home. Why take the time to leave the home, away from my kiddos to do something for myself? I can’t help but think that there are so many women out there harboring the same feelings but never really sharing it. We do ultimately deserve that time for ourselves, time for self-improvement, prettying ourselves and being human really! We so often neglect that in our lives and then our kiddos, I can’t help but wonder, tend to neglect that of us as well….. to some extent.
I know that my kids tend to not see how much I sacrifice and just when I’m about to do something for myself, lay on a nice thick guilt trip that never seems to dissipate. I know, of course, that they love their mommy to pieces and only want the best for me. But if I don’t treat myself in that exact way I describe, how could I expect them to do so?
That realization probably won’t change how I really feel deep down. The mama guilt tends to fester till I really realize just how much happier I’m feeling about having done something for myself. But, here’s to hoping that just acknowledging that I know that it exists will maybe, somehow, in the near future turn to a more productive feeling than the self-induced festering guilt fest.