Tonight is an amazing full moon and I had zero motivation to get the kids down to the full moon jam. I have been a bit down in the last couple of days. Mostly a physical thing, but that seems to be taking a toll on the emotional as well. It’s been building for quite some time and feeling so over-sick of it, it’s got me down…. along with a other stuffs. M’s eczema had been getting worse, and I had no idea what was going on with that till I developed this serious shooting pain in my right breast. Mostly after nursing, but often hurt randomly outside of that as well. Knowing full well that was not a normal thing to ever feel I did a little research and came to the conclusion that we were most likely (both) dealing with Thrush. She did have the clear symptoms of, and even could have been why eczema was getting worse vs better. I put us both on a probiotic when I finally figured all of that out, and we showed immediate signs or relief… at least for about a week or so. M had a well-check with a new Dr and when I described it all to her, she said that was probably what it was, checked her mouth and confirmed so. She offered more to help, but at that time we seemed to be on the mends, so I did not accept the extra help. So then we’re a week away from that appt and I’m feeling not-at-all great. I am feeling fatigued and down. I am not one to randomly take naps, and today I passed out cold for an hour while nursing M. I have shifted to a new routine b/c I did not feel confident that the probiotic was helping much. I am now on cultured yogurt and apple cider vinegar (both out and in). I’m not digging any of it at all. I despise yogurt and wondering if any of this is even worth it. I have read that fatigue could be a sign that the candida is being over-taken by the good bacteria and thus normalcy/balance will hopefully reign. However, I also realize I could take a med of some sort and it’d probably get us back on track quite a bit quicker. But I also understand with this candida thing that you really have to find a balance within to really kick it. For instance, last week when I thought we were on the mends for sure and then it reoccurred…. It could easily just come back if you just don’t deal with it, so a Rx of some sort is just not going to take of that aspect of it I’m sure. So… I’ve been attempting to grin and bare it. But really feeling down. Fatigued really, and that’s got me emotionally shot. K and D, to me, seem to be arguing much more. So much that it just feels like they are not even speaking nicely to each other. Is it the stress of me not feeling great and creating tension??? Or is it something they are just going through on their own? I have thrown out the idle threat of school in the fall. I do feel horrible about discussing it with them, but it is brought up not in a rage of uncontrol. It is very matter-of-fact. “This is just not fun. I feel very very sad when I hear this stuff. I feel frustrated that I can’t fix anything. And if homeschooling is going to be like ‘this’ for us, I’m not for it. I want us to be pleasant with each other. I expect that we have different ideas and opinions on things. That’s cool. But we must respect each other and the blatant arguing over how someone looks at you the ‘wrong way’ is just not flying in my book.” I’m just unsure as to how these conversations are taken by them. At least at this point. I have not gotten to the point of toooooo much guilt that I’ve asked just yet. I don’t like feeling this way at all, and beginning to blame myself for a whole lot o’ things.
So, trying to get my health back on track will assist at the very least with my energy level and motivation. I have absolutely not motivation to do anything much at all. So that’s been rough. This last week, and the one coming up are super duper busy and so I’ve put on lots o’ smiley faces and just grin and bared it. But what I’d really love is just a weekend to sleep it all off : )
On a far, FAR happier note. The kids are just growing like weeds and growth in all directions. M is taking a few steps now and it is so super cool to see her take the plunges into a few tumbling steps. She has 5 teeth at this point and eating as much as we will give her : ) Her ezcema does seem to be taming as of right now, and I hope that it will stay that way! S went in for his 3 yrs. check up and he was cool as ever. New Dr and everything and he just said, “I not scared!” He talked with her and answered her questions, got checked and even 2 shots. He even opted to sit in his own chair and did not flinch with the shots came. He said to me right before the appt that he was going to go first and then he was going to sing to M so that she did not cry about it. Awe… melt mama’s heart. He’s grown 4.5 inches over the course of this last year. I can’t get over that one. But recently been seeing him tower over a few 4 and 5 year olds we know.
K and D are blossoming in ways I may not even be able to put into words. Of course there is the physcial growth, which has been tremendous this year! But the emotional, intellectual, inquisitive, etc. health/growth has been phenomenal. They have tried new things I would have never guessed I’d see from either of them. Grown in ways I am so proud of. I hope I just don’t mess that up with my grouchy mama-ness as of late! Those precious beings…. so precious.
Somehow, summer has not been as laid-back as I had hoped it was going to be. It seems to me that I feel as busy as a school year, and really starting to reanalyze how that’s going to change. It’s a need that has to happen in some way, shape or form and something we as family unit need to sit down and map out together.
In other news, our lease is up very very soon and we are contemplating what next. It has been such a rough year-plus, that I would just love, love, love to move and start fresh in a new place. Realistically…. well, we’ll just see what pans out. I have taken on 2 new jobs along with CCAP. I have been helping out in a ob/gyn office with their medical billing stuff just a few hours a week. And come the end of August we will be babysitting a sweet little baby in our home! Very excited about the fit as it is a family that also practices AP-style parenting and I feel we have found extended family with this family. So it should be an awesome year having little E with us throughout the school year (mom’s a teacher!).
Tomorrow… beach day. Part of me thinks, “stay home, go next week” and the other part of me says, “go….stay ALLLLL day long and don’t come up till sunset!” I’m sure the later will win over once I get some sleep tonight! ; )