The other evening I received a phone call from a dear friend. I am typically way-too busy to ever pick up a phone call, but this particular instance I was compelled to when I saw her name pick up on the caller ID.
She called because she had been thinking about me (always a warming thing to hear). The day before we had been together and a conversation we had going was disrupted by needing to attend to children’s needs. She not only remembered this conversation and the fact that it was unfinished, but also took the time to give me a ring to acknowledge that. This action in itself is something I felt truly touched by, but even deeper than that, was the discussion we were having (and now completing), and the fact that it was important to her as well. Special moments like that do not happen often!
So, the day before we were entrenched in a conversation about people in our lives whom we still hold anger, resentment or a grudge towards. One friend started speaking of a family member and the things that had happened between her and this person and why she was feeling the way that she was feeling. I was listening on to this conversation, very intrigued and relating to much of what was being said. I held some of the very same feelings about a friendship that had recently gone a rye. I could understand much of what she was saying…. until, that is, till this aforementioned friend said one really powerful statement to each of us: “You know, each of the motions that you have towards this other person(s) are really feelings that you have about yourself regarding this situation.”
Zinger. I had to process that one. And of course, I had to detest it out loud. I was just certain that I had these feelings of the other person, and why-o-why would I feel that way of myself? Just as I had opposed this statement, I was disrupted and needed to run S to the bathroom. We assured each other we would continue the conversation later, however later came and went and we were quite tied up with the children… and the amazing beach day.
Well, so this really carried with me, because I did not outright disbelieve in the statement, I just felt overly challenged in the moment. When I heard it at first, it made perfect sense. But when I attempted to apply it to myself (at first) it was scary and challenging and of course it felt better to challenge it in response. But processing it more deeply and working on applying it to my situation, I began to see and realize just what she was saying could/should be applied.
Ironically, as this was beginning to sink in with me throughout the day and I was contemplating the why, how and what to do to fully digest this… my friend calls. And the funny part was, I did not really put two and two together when I saw her name pop up. This idea and challenge had been floating around in my head since that day at the beach, but when I saw her on the caller ID it had not even dawned on me that she’d be calling about exactly that very same thing I had been mulling.
Needless to say, I was very appreciative of the call. I loved that she had this gentle assertiveness that really stuck me to the situation and did not let me deny and/or run the other way. She got me to truly realize just what it was that was just so aggravating to me, and what I really was still hanging onto about the situation. It’s so truly challenging to stick yourself to some feelings of anger and and upset when you have someone else to easily blame for it. It’s very easy to say you forgive others, but not-so-easy to provide yourself the same forgiveness. And this is what I needed to do.
So what it ended up coming down to was that I thought and maybe truly believed I was this one kinda person wanting this one kinda experience in my now, adult life, that I had not really had before. There is nothing in my life, up to this point in time, that would have any other person perceive this of me (that I was ‘this’ kind of person I was now creating of myself). This false perception is a self-induced dream of what I *thought* I felt, needed, wanted out of my life *now*. But not being at all realistic about that concept, I delved into this friendship with this false perception of myself. When things went array with this friendship, a few years later, it was very easy for me to point the blame, disappointment, and feelings of being crushed by this other person. It was easy to say that “this person did this to me,” when in all reality…. I did this to myself. And… I must admit… this has taken me a full year to figure this out. It was not until this friend said, ‘hey, wake up and forgive YOURSELF” that I could really realize that I was holding a grudge.
Now, let’s not get all carried away in saying that I’ve just got it all figured out. Just because I hear it, understand and am *trying* to apply it does not really make things all hunky-dory. I do have to remind myself often of the outcome of this process, and need to remind myself of the self-responsibility and forgiveness. I do, however, give myself a ton of credit in realizing just what all these emotions were/are about, and I do fully have forgiveness for this past friendship, and I finally acknowledge and have forgiveness for myself. I am now in the situation of realizing and reevaluating…. this person that I thought I wanted to be, and turned out not to work for me, is… simply… not me. I need to be who I truly am, always have been, and have been quite happy with. I need to refocus on what’s most important and begin to love that original again (or at least as much as I always have and then some).
I have been blessed with some really amazing law-of-attraction moments in my life this past couple of weeks. I love feeling this aware and being in tune, and hope that this type of awareness continues with, grows and enhances beyond. Life is on a good track, and letting the amazing, good ol’ fashion original back into the picture is a really good, familiar feeling to have. I can somewhat describe this pictorially… it’s like reaching the peak of a mountain; feeling this amazing sense of accomplishment; only to turn around and find that these amazing mystical gates are a gift to you; they open to a land full of amazing adventures still to be had…
Thank you good friend.