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Bitter sweet – Nakita Baby
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Bitter sweet

So…. it seems it’s come to an end…. and as much as I am relieved, I am so utterly sad. It’s mourning time for mama. The big S has seemed to have weaned himself. Yes, that’s right, no more nursing. I’m thrilled we’ve gone beyond 2 years, and I’m thrilled that he seems done before the arrival of new baby, but yet, I can’t help but feel a bit ‘o sad that it has come.

Over the last several weeks I had noticed that he had been just too super busy during the days to even ask to nurse. And that was ok with me. My worry, however, at that point was that nighttime would last forever and that would be impossible to break as a habit, not only proving difficult to balance him with baby, but maintain my sanity as well (or better, my ability to get any rest at night). And then…. the naps started to wain as well! In the last month or so, I suppose about the same timing, he was dropping his daytime naps to nearly never needing one, and that seemed to help him sleep TONS better at night. So there we sat in holding pattern for some time. He’d not nap nor nurse all day, but he’d ask to nurse to go to sleep at night. He’d then sleep most the night through and then in early AM there would be the chance he’d ask to nurse again.

Then this pattern started to shift. I think b/c he had cut back this much, and we approached this 6 month of pregnancy that my milk shift drastically b/c the next change that occurred was that he asked but he’d only latch for about 10 seconds or less. And…. the AM…. he’d pretty much skip altogether. So then we were down even more so….

And…. the last but what appears to be the final straw…. he has not asked to nurse for the second night. Well, actually last night D says, “Is S even having ‘ba’ any more?” And sure enough, he asked. But otherwise, he would not have even asked to nurse. I reminded him that the milk was gone, but he latched for about 2-3 seconds to just prove it to himself (maybe)…. or maybe just his stubbornness to want to nurse just b/c the topic was brought up  : )

At any rate, no nursing last night, and tonight…. he flipped and flopped in bed and then asked and started groaning for daddy to come to the bedroom. SO…. daddy put him to sleep tonight. We are more than 48 hours w/o nursing…  : (

Bitter sweet.

With baby coming along soon, I was bracing myself for tandem nursing, even talked it out with family doc about my concerns in balancing…. and all along, S had his own plans. It sure was a beautiful journey with him. So peaceful and natural. With D in particular, I recall a bit of resentment during that last year of nursing. Going to age 3 had sort of pushed me to my limits, and it was tough. So it was a bit harder. But I think you feel that with any child, no matter the beginning, duration or ending…. it’s so bitter sweet when that aspect of the relationship fades away to a distant memory. I feel blessed, and even proud, that I have been able to provide each of them over 2 years of nursing. That attachment has been a blessing to our relationships, and even more selfishly, a blessing to my journey to become a better mother. The type of mother that I aspire to be.

I look forward to at least 2 more years of it, and will cherish it all as it will be the last.

Thanks for the lovely journey S-man! Your mama sure loves you!


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