I somehow can’t wrap my brain around the fact that we are 20 weeks along in this last pregnancy and that we will have a baby here in just four short months! We had our 20 week ultrasound today and while it was sooooooo super cool to see the little buggar floating around in there, healthy and happy… heart beating strong, and all his/her parts in the right places : ) I had just so many emotions around the day it’s interesting to digest! So yes, the thrill… the relief to see a happy baby. That was so super duper cool b/c that’s the biggest thing we all worry about as parents, good health. And that we have. I’m so super psyched and thrilled to see him/her growing inside of me. Then there is this amazing awe and amazement. I keep glancing at this little one’s profile and just can’t get over the fact that this one is “all his/her own”. I could easily line up all 4 of our 20 week ultrasounds and each and everyone is unique. It’s just the coolest thing ever to me. That this little one has a mind all of his/her own… a brand new personality, a brand new look… just all new lil’ person. So so cool.
So as I was laying there I was getting pretty uncomfortable. First off, to lay on your back, pregnant, for that long (at least a half hour or more!) is just not the best feeling in the world. Sciatic, legs fallen asleep, the whole bit. I was trying to stay positive and in the moment by asking her what she was doing and what she was measuring for. I was trying (hard) to be grateful that she was being so thorough. But man…. I was soooo uncomfortable it was really quite challenging. I was getting so annoyed that she just did not tell us anything about what she was measuring for and what she found, whether things measured well or not. I was getting even more annoyed at the poking and prodding feeling with the force at which she squished that thing into my belly. And then at the end of it all she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound as well. I flat out refused. It seemed that most every question I asked about, her response was “it’s protocol”. Ugh. Alright…. vented and out of my system. Took me the better half of the day to recover from that uncomfortable experience, and thrilled to be beyond that. Now I can glare at this cute little pic and wonder who this little person is that will grace us sooner than we know it.
I’ve, admittedly, been having some mourning feelings as well. I suppose that’s the best way to describe it… maybe? I know this is the end of pregnancy years and that’s had lots of interesting dreams coming up as of late. One that I seem to have more often is that I have the notion of having a fifth baby! Yikes! Not something I feel I would necessarily do, but can’t help but contemplate. I do feel like maybe that overwhelming desire to have another is just not to have the pregnancy years end. That’s a huge adjustment and change in life phases and I think I’m having a hard time digesting that, in more ways than one. On the surface I know that four is perfect for our family. On the surface I know that I am done. On the surface…. Yea, you get it. But under that surface, I still need to mourn that phase a lil’ bit and get ready for this huge life-phase-shift. I had felt this way with each child when they weaned as well. It was an era passing, and in this way… our last baby of the Jarjusey clan… a huge era is passing and not without notice.
Deep breath. Enjoy these last few months. It’s going to go fast! I’m excited and scared, thrilled and joyous…. big adventures lie ahead!